If a woman has lost a baby, that doesn’t mean she is not a mother. If a man is not pregnant, that does not say he is not a father
It’s normal after a spontaneous miscarriage that woman feels furious, angry about the whole world and have a few million reasons for it. But during the grief phase, not many women will ask husband how he was dealing with that loss. Abortion, miscarriage or infertility is not just women’s loss – the miscarriage is a mutual loss. When women talk about abortion, each story looks like one another: I felt so scowl, it seemed to me that my spouse did not care either. And man often says nothing. In real terms, men are usually excluded from the abortion story. All attention is focused on a woman with the goal of recovering as soon as possible. “How is she? Is she okay?”
We must be aware that men feel a loss when their dear ones face a spontaneous miscarriage. Our culture has strong opinions about how men should feel and behave in such stressful situations. That’s why many men think asleep when they need to express their feelings. The likelihood that a man will say “Hey, so I’m suffering” is minimal.
It is necessary to involve men and all the things that women experience. So start with your family. Ask your husband how he feels. If your friend lost her baby, ask her husband how he is.
How Men Process Grief
Men also grieve pregnancy loss and failed IVF attempts, they wrestle with feelings of failure and disappointment, but usually, doctors and researchers ignore them. Whenever the miscarriage happens many men feel they must be the solid rock, the provider who keeps the family going, but unfortunately for women, it’s the inappropriate response because she wants him to grieve with her.
Fathers who experience miscarriage recognize, maybe he will never see a little girl growing up or a little boy to play ball with. The typical male attitude is to fix things, but a miscarriage cannot be fixed. In that light, a father will feel hopeless to address his own feelings and the sadness experienced by his partner.
Of course, he’s grieving, but this isn’t how men process their grief. They don’t lie in bed and cry but tend to be more internal. They keep themselves busy with work or some other activity.
Clinical psychologist Hlengiwe Zwane says that men react to a miscarriage depends on several factors, such as individual personality, culture as well as whether the pregnancy was the result of months of planning or unplanned pregnancy. Men care, they are just acting strong, but hurting on the inside.”
Zwane also says the most important thing is to be real with one’s loss, to confront one’s grief and speak to your partner.