Being a parent is one of the most demanding roles that life can deliver you. Some get it by chance and remain textless, some have struggled for years, and have already known swords or monologues in advance. Commonly, everyone is doing it the best he can and believes he knows the right ways to raise and educate own children. But, can you remember how it was in your childhood? How many phrases you had to listen to every day? Some of those phrases were funny and annoying, a lot of them were wise. There is no such adolescent who, following the already well-known “exposure” of parents, did not think: “Well, I will never tell this to my child!”. Now, think, you will not believe how many times the same phrases and sentences that you in your childhood listened was on your mind, and how many times you referred them to your children.
A child psychologist at Strayer University Lauren Goldstein says that parents are making mistakes when they solve their children’s problems or when they pronounce sentences that have a sneer of underestimation and conviction. By listening to these phrases, children believe they are not able to solve any problems independently or that everything they do is wrong.
“Stop crying, or I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
‘Do not be a baby.’ Those phrases tell children that their emotions are not important and you don’t understand them. It is natural that a parent wants to protect the child from bad feelings, but this is not the way. Instead of denying his feelings and telling him to push them, tell them to understand what is sad, angry, scared, and ask him how you can help him. Name your feelings and stay with him, because the child will learn what empathy is. Threats like the phrases “I will give you a reason to cry” are the result of parental frustration. If you use phrases like ‘If you do not do it I will … it and that’, or you will get your threat or you will ultimately lose the “power.”
“Leave me alone!”
Probably no parent does not need occasional breaks from children, and this is quite normal. The problem arises when a child’s rejection becomes a routine. “Do not disturb me” and “Leave me alone” can make them feel self-confident and tell them to think they cannot talk to you.
“Just wait for your father to come home.”
For your word to be heard, you must act immediately, and not put the dad in the role of a bad cop. Apart from showing helplessness with phrases like this one, the child will not be aware of the delay in a discipline where it is wrong. Seeking punishment for a child only extends agony, and besides, you have buried your authority and made the child afraid of the father for no reason.
“You are not capable of doing that.”
And her twin sentence “Do not do it.” No adult should direct these phrases to the child. When you do this, you have opened the first circle of hell. The first sentence gives the child the opportunity to prove to you how this can, and in the other, be a small rebel who wants to fight. Better try to explain that it’s not good for his health, it’s dangerous.
“I don’t understand how you can’t? It’s easy.”
What is easy for you, for your child is not, really. Just because you have the same genes doesn’t mean your kid is a good at football or math as you were. Try to find his own superpowers and skills and concentrate on them. If you feel that there is a more natural way to master specific material, then show it to him. But never expose kids to the phrases like this, they will make the distance from you and might never be able to show you some love.
“Why aren’t you like your brother/sister? “
It is natural for adults to compare children in the family, the problem is when they say it this way. Comparisons of this type are caused by a breakdown and conflict among children, rather than seeing a respected family member. Instead of trying to “reach a brother or sister,” the child feels that this is an “impossible mission” and does not work. Accept that every child is different and encourage him to enjoy developing his talents and skills.